...in which I whine a little

Friday I had a mini breakdown as I was driving down to LA to a slumber party with my knitting friends. I was on the phone with M, and about to cry because he had just told me to relax and not worry.

Something so simple (and so true) shouldn't drive me to tears. But last week, or more accurately last Friday, sucked.

• I passed the 6 month anniversary of my brother's death with nothing more than an empty feeling - which was quickly replaced with a guilty feeling. And communication with my parents has been falsely cheery (on both ends) at best lately.
  
• My new and improved allergy meds are not doing anything for the cough that brought me to the allergist in the first place (and my nose is running).
  
• I have had credit card fraud for the second time in 2 months - making me worried that my information is out there for the taking. It's strange - the first time someone charged alot of gas to my card, the second time they tried to buy alot of clothes with my other card. I'm not sure what to do at this point.
• Work. Oh work, how you stretch me. There have been structure changes in the last week that directly affected me. There's a trip to Puerto Rico (tonight, actually) to learn about the new process that's stressing me out because a) it's happening relatively quickly and b) the plan keeps changing. Originally one of the more senior group members was going to go, but that got nixed Friday and until about an hour ago it looked like I might be going by myself.
  

/whine.

It's been a rollercoaster weekend, trying to pack and repack and clean and run errands, but it's not all bad. The slumber party was fun, and the food was tasty. Knitting has been happening - I have made some good progress on the Hourglass Sweater, finishing up the lower part of the body and starting on one of the sleeves. Though I think the Claptois, Chevron Scarf, and my mom's shawl will be the projects coming along with me this week. And I've decided to treat myself with the overtime I'll be earning and get some STR - the only hard part is narrowing down my choices!

Etsy update and WIP Wednesday

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New stitch markers have been uploaded to the shop! And, in honor of Thanksgiving, shipping is free all of this month :) Enjoy!

Here's a shot of the shawl I'm working on, in an attempt to capture how close to Marie's eye color this yarn is. The picture came out reddish because I tried to block the flash, which makes for an interesting shot....


Here's a closeup of the shawl itself - I'm only on the 3rd repeat, and I can tell it's going to be fairly large when blocked!

PSA

Thanks to Ravelry, I found NaughtyCodes.com, which lists discount codes for all sorts of online stores. I haven't tried any that I've found on there, but it looks promising!

back to looking at clothes online at REI.....

I do believe there's been some knitting....

I gave in. I started a new project - but, to be fair, it's a gift for my mom and if I don't start it now it may never be done. And I wanted to start another lace project ;) The Misti Alpaca Lace is absolutely wonderful - so incredibly soft. And while it may be a bit thin to knit single stranded, I'm loving how delicate the shawl is turning out. Good thing I have some more yarn for myself!

I've been carefully resisting all the sales and blog contests lately - I really have more yarn than I can use up any time in the near future. Which may lead to some more destashing.....

It was a quiet weekend. Friday's party was a little disappointing - it ended up just being my boyfriend and a couple of our friends from SB. It seems as we get older everyone has a harder and harder time a) committing to plans and b) showing up. I would much rather people said no in advance than the day of (or via messenger the hour of), when I've already gone out and gotten food and drinks etc. I'm guilty of it myself - thinking I'll really want to go or might want to go and then deciding that I'm too tired. In reality, I'm always tired. But usually when I push myself to go, I end up having a good time and was glad I went.

Sorry, this wasn't supposed to turn into a rant :)

Saturday I did a little shopping - I got an award at work that I turned into a Banana Republic gift card. Which meant an immediate (if not sooner!) trip to the outlet. Saturdays aren't the best days for a trip to the outlet, but I managed to make it in and out with only minor damage (2 sweaters and another pair of work pants which I absolutely adore). M and I went to see American Gangster, which was good, but not as good as the previews had led me to believe. There were definitely some interesting previews before the movie - alot of scary movies coming out!

Sunday we drove up to SB to go sailing. We were short staffed that day, there being only 4 of us to crew, but somehow we pulled it off (and I managed not to get any new bruises!). It was a long race out to the platforms, and bitterly cold with the fog rolling in. However, it was all worth it when we found out we'd gotten 2nd place. A very rare feat for our boat!

In other news, I'll be updating my etsy shop this week with a few more sets of stitch markers. Additionally, it'll be free shipping for the entire month! So stop by and take a look!

Happy Monday - made better by the extra hour we got back this weekend ;)

A different kind of tourism

I intended to save this post for a few more days, waiting for the 6 month anniversary of my brother's death. But I saw this article today in the NY Times: Study Examines Suicide Tourism in New York City. The article examines the total number of suicides committed in NYC, and the percent of those committed by out-of-towners. It goes on to discuss the phenomena of "hot spots" for suicide as being well-documented, and lists the Eiffel Tower and Golden Gate Bridge as two other popular destinations. (The oh-so-slightly-crazy part of me giggles at travel guide feel of it.) They talk about how suicide is considered a "major, and preventable, public health problem." Barriers, awareness, surveillance, proximity of hotline phones.

Years ago, when I was dating a guy in San Diego, I thought it was strange they had the suicide hotline number posted all over the bridge. It makes so much more sense now. Do I know if my brother would have reconsidered killing himself if there was a barrier? A phone? If the tourist who saw him jump had said, "Beautiful day, isn't it?" I don't, and I try not to think about it.

I've learned alot in the last 6 months. I've learned what drugs can do to your body. I've learned how much my brother had changed before he died. I've learned just how much one person can cry over music or commercials on TV. I've learned about grief and anger and the loneliness that comes when someone you know dies. I've come a long way from this May - trying to be a better daughter, to ask for help when times are rough, to not bottle everything up, and to stop saying yes to everything. I've stopped forming expectations about the future of my family and how we'll all get through this, because I know we're all in different places now.

And somehow, that's given me peace. I've spent the last few weeks worrying about going north for Thanksgiving (and my birthday) and how we were going to deal with the fact my brother won't be there, back from his first few months at college. I can't draw up scenarios anymore, because whatever happens will happen. It's heartbreaking for sure, but you can't plan for heartbreak.

Thanksgiving, for me, was always about the turkey and pumpkin pie. This year, it's more about those left behind.