Tuesday, June 05, 2007

{insert creative title here}

Ah, how is it only Tuesday? The weeks seem to drag and fly by at the same time. It's been 4 weeks today since my brother jumped. In the interim, I've been hit by all sorts of emotions. Sadness, depression, anger. It's like PMS, but a thousand times worse :) I spent that last few weeks commuting from my boyfriend's place in Santa Barbara so I wouldn't have to be alone. No one really knows how to deal with death - after the initial flood of emails sending condolences, contact died down. Everyone is hesitant to bother you too much, to call, to email. No one knows what you want. (I should be careful to state here that I understand that feeling and am not offended, lest you think I'm pissed at everyone. I myself haven't known what to say when my friends had parents, family, or close friends die. And even now I wouldn't know what to say or do that would help)

To be honest, I don't either :) I have turned down a few offers of company after those first two weeks and have secluded myself in Santa Barbara where I have the option of doing my own thing amidst others. To avoid the awkward, "So, um, your brother killed himself - how are you?" I don't really know what I want, and I think that frustrates me the most.

Look at my list of WIPs - indecision abounds :)

But, honestly, I'm doing ok. I figure this is what I need to do right now, and that it'll get easier to hang out with people again and to talk and laugh and all those normal things. And one day, I'll stop reading into song lyrics. Because seriously, the world just not revolve around me.

Only very close to me.

Knitting continues - socks galore. My aim is to start finishing things at a rate faster than I start them. This could be tricky :) I'm also debating whether or not to photography my stash for Ravelry - it almost seems embarrassing to think of how much yarn I own.

Good thing I have renters' insurance!

Hope everyone is having a good week!


jillian said...

It's OK, and I think perfectly normal, not to know wht you want. What one wants is exactly what one can't have/ Speaking from personal experience, I think it's the usual course for others to recede after the initial condolences, unless that person knows you so well that they know you would rather have company. Or not. But most people who care will probably opt to keep a distance out of respect for your emotional situation, i.e., take the conservative road.

I think it's very impressive after only 4 weeks that you can come out and say that you are doing OK. And I'm so glad to hear that you have a cozy SB place to get away.

After my mom died, I remember seeming to snap out of a daze after about 6 months. I didn't really know I was in a daze, until I snapped out of it. It was like a light swtich one day, very strange. And all perfectly normal. Everyone deals with loss differently, and however you deal with yours is A-OK!

You are still in my thoughts. Happy sock knitting!

Allison said...

Everyone deals with things differently...I am just glad that you have a place where you can just be.

I can't wait to see some socks. I need some inspiration so I can start my next pair. And can you give a little review of your Jordana Paige purse? I am so close to buying it but I just need someone to give some info on how it works in the real world to justify $100 for a purse.

Katie said...

It seems like you are really dealing with everything in a totally healthy way. When my dad died I would only want to be with Doug, but then when I was with him, I'd need to be alone. There were so many conflicting emotions. But somehow just following what I wanted and needed was just right (even though that would change from moment to moment.)

It took a month for me to not think about my loss all the time, 6 weeks after it to actually feel like I was ok and a few months later to really start accepting it.

(There's a really great book called "On grief and grieving" by Elizabeth Kubler Ross that also helped me a lot.)

Take care!

Patty said...

It breaks my heart to think another knitter out there is hurting. When my friend's dad died suddenly, the entire summer I kidnapped her to the beach on the weekends. It took her a while to even realize he was gone, but try to surround yourself with good friends and good yarn :) And our little community of knitters are always here too.

Btw, I like the idea of cartoon characters for the kittens! I'm thinking Charlie (Brown) and either Sally or Lucy for the girl. :)

Allison said...

Not that my situation is anything like yours, but I do understand about the absence of contact after the initial flood. It's nice just to get a little "hey I was thinking of you" email, call or post on the blog every now and then.

Jen said...

guh... you mean the renter's insurance needs to be enough to cover the stash? I didn't even think about that. I'm thinking it needs to be doubled just for the acquisition of yarn, whiskey, and wine that DH and I have acquired since moving in together. yikes!

in all seriousness, it's okay to not know what you want right now. and i think all of the mixed emotions you're having are classic signs that you're dealing with it. i'm guessing time is what you need most, and probably a lot of talking.

from the other side of it, i just keep hoping that the person knows how much i'm thinking of them and wish that things will slowly start to heal when the time is right.