A different kind of tourism

I intended to save this post for a few more days, waiting for the 6 month anniversary of my brother's death. But I saw this article today in the NY Times: Study Examines Suicide Tourism in New York City. The article examines the total number of suicides committed in NYC, and the percent of those committed by out-of-towners. It goes on to discuss the phenomena of "hot spots" for suicide as being well-documented, and lists the Eiffel Tower and Golden Gate Bridge as two other popular destinations. (The oh-so-slightly-crazy part of me giggles at travel guide feel of it.) They talk about how suicide is considered a "major, and preventable, public health problem." Barriers, awareness, surveillance, proximity of hotline phones.

Years ago, when I was dating a guy in San Diego, I thought it was strange they had the suicide hotline number posted all over the bridge. It makes so much more sense now. Do I know if my brother would have reconsidered killing himself if there was a barrier? A phone? If the tourist who saw him jump had said, "Beautiful day, isn't it?" I don't, and I try not to think about it.

I've learned alot in the last 6 months. I've learned what drugs can do to your body. I've learned how much my brother had changed before he died. I've learned just how much one person can cry over music or commercials on TV. I've learned about grief and anger and the loneliness that comes when someone you know dies. I've come a long way from this May - trying to be a better daughter, to ask for help when times are rough, to not bottle everything up, and to stop saying yes to everything. I've stopped forming expectations about the future of my family and how we'll all get through this, because I know we're all in different places now.

And somehow, that's given me peace. I've spent the last few weeks worrying about going north for Thanksgiving (and my birthday) and how we were going to deal with the fact my brother won't be there, back from his first few months at college. I can't draw up scenarios anymore, because whatever happens will happen. It's heartbreaking for sure, but you can't plan for heartbreak.

Thanksgiving, for me, was always about the turkey and pumpkin pie. This year, it's more about those left behind.

We didn't start the fire

It smells like campfire. It's been ashy and gritty and hazy all weekend - from Santa Barbara to Camarillo to LA to San Diego. Looking at the Google Map makes me realize just how widespread these fires are. I feel like this happens every year and we're sort of used to it, but driving over the mountain yesterday and seeing the red sky made me feel like I was an extra in a Lord of the Rings movie (sadly, no Viggo to be found). It's eerie and scary and my hair is responding to the lack of moisture in the air. Teresa and I went for a hike earlier this year in Solstice Canyon, hiking through the ruins of a house burned down in 1982. It was strange, mostly because the house had been so set into the landscape when it was built that it was easy for nature to reclaim it. It makes me wonder what will happen to the houses lost this time around.

In more cheery news, I got a new jacket for snow that has tons of pockets (I'm a fan of pockets). It's passed the approval of the skier - though he said it would be good for "sort of cold" days, which makes me wonder what I've gotten myself into....I also won free tickets to a closed performance on Friday with Josh Ritter. I'm not sure what to expect of a taped concert (or what to wear!), but I'm loving the price :)

FO, WIPs, and moving on

The manly socks are finally done and have been gifted to their owner. A few months late of his birthday, but he seems pleased with them. And decided not to take them on his latest camping trip, because he didn't want to "get them dirty." I wonder how much use they'll see with that philosophy!

I'm dividing my time now between some gloves and socks. With a little work on the Hourglass Sweater to give my hands/wrists a break. I've been noticing some tingling in my arms and some back pain, so I'm trying to take it easy. Of course, this rules out making stitch markers as well, so I really don't know what to do with myself! The testing is going well, as far as getting feedback on how the first set of markers work out. After some initial results, I'm thinking the method Teresa taught me may be more knitter-friendly and that the method I use is probably better suited to earrings and the like.

This past weekend was full of football and movies (and eating!) I watched way more college football than I intended, but really enjoyed the Cal game (I may have to organize a viewing at some sports bar for the next one!) M and I went to see the Bourne Ultimatum on Sunday, which I liked quite a bit. I wasn't as much of a fan of the second in the series, but the third was right up there with the first. If you like action and twists, I'd recommend checking it out while it's still in theater (unless you have a big screen TV and surround sound. In which case, invite me over some time)

My parents seem to be doing well after the letter was published. The Napa paper has a censoring policy on all comments submitted to their site (which the other papers don't seem to be as strict with, given some of the responses to my dad's letter earlier this year) and all the comments I've seen are positive and reaffirm the fact that not much is known about the possible side effects. I'm still trying to deal - feeling somewhat deserted, though I realize no one really knows what to say to me. I'm told this is the awkward point in the timeline - where it's been long enough that other people have moved on and you're just starting to deal with it. Or where people are still giving you distance when you're finally ready to talk. It's been frustrating to an extent - the times I do mention it, no one knows what to say and the atmosphere gets awkward. Society has a hard time acknowledging death and its aftermath in general, at least in a way that doesn't leave the survivors feeling like they should be keeping quiet about how they're feeling.

So I've removed the chip from my shoulder and have been harassing people to hang out with me until they feel comfortable enough to do it on their own :)

And in the interim, I'm getting caught up on my Netflix subscription....I'm still coming up to movies I queued back in grad school!

Shout outs

Gradschoolknitter is having a contest for her 100th post - check it out!

Allison (of Supercrafty.com), who I've blogged about before, has some somewhat good news - Evan's surgery for his brain tumor has been bumped up to 2 weeks from now. This change is unfortunately because Evan is showing some decline - so please send some good thoughts their way. And maybe even buy some yarn :)

I'm relieved it's Thursday - it's been a week of minimal sleep so far. And even though I went to bed early, I was woken up by an earthquake this morning. Bringing my grand total of earthquakes felt to 3 :)

Final answer

In this world of amazing conveniences, somehow it takes longer to do things. I received a new credit card last week, and called the 1-800 number to activate it. It used to be, and still is for some cards, that all you had to do was call the number and enter some information. But now they try and sign you up for all sorts of programs. My call was no exception - payment protection, credit monitoring, the works. And they never ask you if you want to sign up, they just tell you they're mailing you the information packet and you can cancel later.

I had to tell the woman signing me up I didn't want it. I knew I was going to get a lecture on how great it was. "But I'm an American consumer, and making uniformed ill-advised decisions is my right," was what I wanted to say. Instead, I settled on some Millionaire lingo "...and that's my final decision."

Somehow, she knew not to argue.

On a more serious note, kmkat posted a link to this blog with images from the bridge collapse. Absolutely amazing to see the extent of damage - it's hard to even imagine.

We have a winner!

Or 3 :) Congratulations to for gradschoolknitter winning the teapot! Ellen and Nonnahs are the lucky winners of yarny goodness. I'll email you all to get your addresses and get your prizes in the mail some time next week.

From it's humble beginnings as a mobile favorites bar, this blog has documented my knitting through all sorts of events. Going to my first SnB, learning to knit lace, the boyfriend sweater, the ensuing breakup and ACL surgery, learning to dye, the Knitting Olympics, nannying, leaving grad school, another breakup, a new relationship, moving, and most recently my brother's death.

More importantly than letting access my favorite links wherever I go, documenting my knitting, or recording the events of my life these last 3 years, this blog has served as a cheaper alternative to therapy.

No, just kidding! It's served as a place for me to meet people I may not otherwise have had the chance to meet (no matter how close they live to me) It's served as a place for me to share creativity and experiences and find support and ideas. Some of you I've known for years, some of you I've never met. Thanks for reading :)

Bleh

My knitting mojo is totally gone - I had a whole week off last week and only managed to finish a couple of hats! I took a look at my summer knitting goals....hmm. Nothing. Took a look at my queue on Ravelry. Nothing. I've joined Summer of Socks and Mystery Stole 3 and haven't started either.

It's times like these when I look at my stash of yarn, books, and WIPs and start to panic slightly. Will I ever get it all done?

Right now the priority is to finish the knits for other people (who are thankfully flexible about the idea of receiving birthday gifts post-birthday). Next, WIPs for me. It will be a day of ruthless evaluation of WIPs and frogging those I don't think I'll ever finish. Blinders to new projects!

On my drive home Monday, my friendly voicemail voice informed me my mailbox was full and I had to clear out some of the old messages in order to keep the new ones coming in. Yes, I had about 18 saved voicemails. I do that from time to time - but most of these were from when my brother died. Many calls saying, "I'm sorry, call if you want, but you don't have to." I've come some way from 2 months ago when he died. I happened to catch Veronica Mars last night, the episode where her boyfriend breaks up with her and she holds it all in until she gets in the shower and just breaks down. Apparently I'm not the only one :) I wouldn't say I'm totally happy now or that I never think about it. I think about it every day. But it doesn't feel like it's controlling my life anymore. And that's huge.

On a happier note, my 3 year blogiversary is coming up on the 27th. Keep your eye out for a contest - I'm working on coming up with a fabulous prize :)

Play nice

The Yarn Harlot has a good post today about blogging as a public forum. For the most part, I'm really open on this blog, but with the caveat it isn't anything I wouldn't be willing to talk about in public. Over the past few years, it seems alot of nastiness comes out on the internet. One, because you can put it out there instantaneously and that knee-jerk-push-button-publishing can result in alot of comments that really should have been rethought. And two, because you don't have to say it to someone's face. A personal example is the letters to the editor my father wrote to the local newspapers after my brother jumped. The issue of a barrier has been ongoing, and he was writing to advocate some action be taken. He ended the letter saying that perhaps if a barrier had been in place sooner, my brother would have graduated from high school this year.

The thing about online newspapers is they let you comment instantaneously, much like you can on blogs. And so a few people (not many, but enough) wrote back saying things like barriers wouldn't help, how stupid are you, it's ridiculous to think someone who wants to kill themself will be deterred by a barrier, it's desecration of a national landmark, etc.

How did I find out about this? Because my mom read those comments and emailed me telling me. Not in an incredibly upset way, but it bothered her enough to mention it.

My point is, had my dad been speaking live from a public forum, would these people gone up to him afterwards and told him they thought he was stupid? I'm guessing not.

Anyways, time to get off my high horse and get back to it. Work has been really busy lately, in a good way. It's another short week, with an early departure on Friday for a Saturday wedding. Woohoo!

Knitting content

The last few weeks, in addition to bringing a ton of emotion and change, have also been full of alot of knitting. I started another Lady E shawl, as a sort of meditative/prayer shawl for my first visit up here (I'm back in Napa for the weekend). I started another Clapotis from STR in Lucy, after seeing the Clapotis Teresa knit in a weekend (the gift of the Clapotis she made for me sort of slowed down my progress). Some baby gifts have been made, and two Black Sheep Knittery visits have completely decimated my resolution of being on a stash diet.

This is the point where I say rules are made to be broken.

I did take pictures of most of these things, and left my camera at home. So I'll have to ask you to imagine all of this for the time being :)

Aside from knitting, I'm doing alright. I believe this stage may be denial, anger, or something. People tell you it takes awhile to understand what happened, and I believe it. Most days seem fine - I started going back to work last week, which has been nice. I haven't seen much of people outside of work, but for now that's what I want. Knitting, writing, and just thinking.

Thanks to everyone for their kind comments. The blogging community never ceases to amaze me - you guys are great. Take care everyone, and have a good weekend!